The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
