dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
