She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
