Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
