I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
