Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
