What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
