My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there is puke in my bra ... again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
