Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize