Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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