I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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