Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
