so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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