so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
