69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
