Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize