New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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