He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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