I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
