I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
