Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
