So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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