yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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