she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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