dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
