Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
