Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
