Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You can't motorboat a personality
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
