the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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