Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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