You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
