sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
