My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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