so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
