I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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