U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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