Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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