i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just invented taco cereal.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
