No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
