he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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