i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
