Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize