pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
