I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
