the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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