Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
