Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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