Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
