I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
