What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
