Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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