I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I love having hate sex.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
