I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
