two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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