Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
