Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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