I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
