guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
