I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
