hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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