Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
