Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
