Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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