I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
