i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
